I am 22.
I am a college graduate with a >3.7 GPA.
I am in the process of obtaining my certification to teach grades K-9.
I can legally be held responsible for the lives of many young people.
I am a dog owner.
I should be more responsible, right?
It came to my attention the other day that I am making these huge sweeping decisions that have the potential to throw peoples' lives into complete chaos. While I suppose it could be said that I was simply looking out for myself and my dog, I realize that I've fucked over two really good people in the process. I don't have a very good track record going right now.
I wish sometimes I could just hand in my adult card to someone. I could say something like, "Here. This is too hard for me to deal with, and I don't want to hurt anyone in making these decisions. Please make them for me. Spin the wheel, roll the dice, whatever you have to do. But don't make me do this."
As much as I love the independence that comes with being an adult (making my own food decisions, my own money decisions, and so on), I could really do without the responsibility of making relationship choices. Because you know what? Feelings suck, man. And you can't always figure them out; they don't come along with an operator's manual. And sometimes your feelings CHANGE. Try explaining that to someone. "Oh, well, see, what I felt for you a month ago, I don't feel now, so sorry for all that you've given up for me, but I can't be with you. Oh, and by the way, I can't really tell you why, so I'll mumble on about some deeper connection or something that I don't really understand."
WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?
If my job asked me to explain something, and I gave them such a CRAP ASS answer, they would probably fire me. So why haven't I gotten fired from relationships? Why does anyone still want to be with me?
Sometimes I can't even stand my own bullshit. And others have helped me by making excuses like, "You were just confused," or "(Guy's name) knew he was taking a risk - all relationships are risks." But honestly, being with me should not be THAT risky. Cause realistically I feel like I have a lot to offer. Maybe. Kind of. I'm still figuring that part out.
Anyway, the point is that, while I'm quite good at being an "adult" in most areas, the past 4 months of my relationship life have felt like a toddler playing whack-a-mole. My emotions have been a constant ping pong match (with good players - I haven't hit the floor TOO many times, but I have bounced back and forth quite a lot). And honestly I don't think I deserve my adult card anytime soon.
At any rate, I've made one last and final sweeping decision, and hopefully (assuredly, if I let my brain do the talking) this will be the last. I'm tired of putting people in a state of chaos. I'm not worth the hell I've brought down the past few months, and I feel really awful about it.
I guess that hiatus wasn't really a hiatus after all.