And so it began...

Wow, it's been about a month since I've written a blog, and I must admit...I miss it!

Well, I started student teaching, so I thought I'd talk about that a little bit. As if it doesn't already consume my life, right? Ha ha ha. . .

I'm in a fifth grade classroom, and man are they cute! They're so...small! I guess I got super used to working with 6th grade and up--I forgot how small 5th graders are. Another initial impression of my fifth graders are...they are still fairly innocent. The upside: for the most part, they behave really well! The downside: they don't understand sarcasm...at all. Case in point, from today:

Student hand goes up.
Me: Yes?
Student: I have a question.
Me: Sorry, no questions allowed.
Student: Oh. *hangs head*
...
Me: OF course questions are allowed!! Ask away. :)

I'm still not used to the fact that they don't always understand humor--they're a super literal bunch. On the other hand, I love them entirely.

A few things I've accomplished: bulletin boards, grading papers, learning students' names (this is a HUGE deal), and, as of this week, teaching one math class! According to the planning guide, I'll be teaching full days before I know it. I can't begin to express how excited I am for this to happen--to have "total control." Not that teaching is all about control, but I think that the kids will respond a lot better to one consistent teacher instead of (now) having to switch between my coop and me.

The thing I've been most disgusted with since having started student teaching is the following: encountering teachers who hate kids. I mean seriously?! I get the argument of "this is my degree, and changing careers is not possible." Ok, sure, but do you know how many young lives you are RUINING by staying in this profession? I mean honestly. The kids understand that you don't like them. Withholding bathroom privileges is NOT an acceptable punishment. Also, call me oldfashioned, but I believe in RECESS. I need the break too! I just can't believe that teachers go on living their lives in misery (clearly) and making others' lives miserable as well. I'd much rather see a teacher leave the profession to go work a job at McD's than to torture any more students by doing something that they don't want to do (teaching).

I love kids. I can say that to the utmost degree, and without any sense of perversion: I love teaching and I love kids. I love the random stuff they come up with, I love passing on knowledge, I love every single moment of the day: giving and collecting homework (or not), leading a group discussion, planning activities...and most importantly, I love seeing it all come together EVERY day to prove to be effective for the kids. Teaching is like directing an orchestra: if everyone can work together, well, a ton of progress is made. If one person is off, out of tune, or what have you--it can throw off the entire day.

The one thing I want to work on in the near future is not letting the day's events influence my mood to such a degree. My mood from 3pm onward is affected by what occurred between 9AM and 2:45PM. It shouldn't be that way, but it is. I hope to work on that...really soon.

But for now, I need to go grade papers! :)

Peace, y'all. And I promise more (interesting) blogs to come!

te amo, te amo.

"Don't it mean I love you? Think it means I love you."

From my short (nearly) 21 years of life, I have seen time and time again those that surround me ask "What is love? Do I really love him/her? How will I know when I truly love someone?"

Though I don't proclaim to be better educated than any with this pondering, I have lately given this idea much thought; I don't think I've come to a new and praise-worthy solution, but I can share what it means to me. It all started making sense after...well, after a progression of time really, since forever ago until several short minutes ago, watching "Mansfield Park," based on a Jane Austen novel. One of the characters states, "There are as many forms of love as there are moments in time." And I think that that sums up what I've been thinking about love--any conclusion I've come to has likely been on the same level of intellect though not expressed nearly as well.

Perhaps it's the way words evade me when it comes to something so important; I can speak clearly, concisely, and professionally about nearly anything: education, money, society, and so on but when someone asks me for my personal feelings towards them, as a person, I often find my tongue and mind to simply not want to cooperate at all, and am left with such nonsense phrases as, "I can't explain it, I just do [love/care for you]!"

This is often inefficient and may have left the other person not believing me whatsoever. And, I don't blame him (or her). But this idea of forms of love--this portrays nearly every thought I've had as of late, and here's how (please note that these do not all describe the same people, or types of love):

I love you when get a text from you, showing that you're using your brain, unlike most highschoolers your age.
I love you when you call me, just to make sure I'm alright.
I love you when you wrap your arms tightly around me.
I love you when complain about work, because you trust me to not judge you based on your opinion of others.
I love you when you say exactly what I'm thinking.
I love you when you say something I can challenge.
I love you when I teach you something new; I also love you when I can learn from you at the same time.
I love you when you take risks for me.
I love you when you look into my eyes, and say nothing.
I love you when you ask me for help, it shows that you think highly of my abilities.
I love you when you take the time to explain what you're thinking; it shows you care about me.
I love you when you tell me I'm beautiful, or gorgeous; I know you never mean (solely) physically.
I love you when you talk about leaving town, and escaping to another state, or even country; it shows me that you have big dreams, and trust me to be able to dream with you.
I love you when you tell me you can't buy my groceries, but will gladly take me grocery shopping with you; it shows me that you value our time together.
I love you when you tell me about being afraid of the future; it shows me that you can depend on me to understand and help in whatever way I can.
I love you when you play me a new song, or recommend a new book; it shows that you want to incorporate me into one of your true loves.
I love you when you play the piano; the improvisation shows you are proud of your talent, and want to share it with me.
I love you when you raise your hand to ask me a question; it shows that you know I'll help you find an answer.
I love you when you call me up late at night; it shows that our old friendship still means to you what it means to me.
I love you when you write me postcards from other states and countries; it shows that, even when away, you're thinking of me.
I love you when I get a message saying, "Morseland tonight?" because it shows I've been incorporated into a strong group of friends with a true bond.
I love you when you kiss me; it tells me that you care much about making me happy as you do being happy.
I love you when I cook you dinner; your appreciation is worth far more than any meal I'll provide you.
I love you when you tell me you don't care that I walk differently, or eat differently, than most people; it shows that you embrace my differences rather than ostracizing me for them.
I love you when you ask my opinion on something, even if it's just clothing, because it shows me that you value my opinion as much as I value yours.
I love you when you tell me I need another surgery, or a new medicine, because it shows that you're trying to preserve my health for as long as possible.
I love you when you talk to me about other girls who are beautiful; it shows that you trust me not to get angry, or jealous. Instead, I learn to respect your opinion; you give me the same in return.
I love you even when you call me with a computer question; though at times it feels as though you're ungrateful, I know you wouldn't feel comfortable calling "just anyone," and it warms my heart to know that you can trust me to be honest and steadfast in helping you.
I love you when you look at me and tell me there is no God, because I believe the same thing, and I revel in the fact that we can bond over this.
I love you when you call me and share your drunken philosophies late at night (or early in the morning), because I have another opportunity to learn more about you.
I love you when you complain about your summer reading; even though you think you're "above" it, I know you'll learn something.
I love you when you text me something so hilariously funny that I have the urge to spit out whatever's in my mouth; it shows me that you know me well enough to know what I'll appreciate, and care about me enough to share it with me.
I love you every day that you don't smoke a cigarette; it shows me that even though you set a bad example for me growing up, you did have the sense to change your ways.
I love you every time you poke me on facebook, because even though we have each moved on to other relationships, it shows that you still think of me as I think of you, and that we can still find some common, communicative ground.
I love you when you tell me you love me; it inspires hope in me that maybe someone realizes love the way in which I have for so long.

So then, what is love? I look at some of the words I use above, and I see: inspire, show, share, teach, learn, opportunity, trust, value, appreciate, bond, friendship...just to name a few. I don't think that love is one thing; rather, love is a combination of some (if not all) of these things. For me, love is not what love is for you. Likewise, for Sally or Tommy or Billy or Jen, love is something entirely different. Love is a moment. And, the people we love the most are those with whom we spend the most loving moments. I'm lucky enough to have a few of those people in my life; though I certainly can't proclaim to spend every single solitary moment loving them, I can say that I spend many moments loving them...inspiring them, trusting them, learning from them, bonding with them, appreciating them, valuing them, sharing with them, showing them (or being shown by them), and so on. Te amo, te amo...it's not one thing. It's many things, and it's amazing.

As I was writing this list and thinking of the people I was describing, it came to my attention that I was not simply describing thoughts. Nor was I simply describing words. Nor was I simply describing actions. I was describing a combination of thoughts, words, and actions, and my reactions to them. As I think about how, when, where, or why I love someone else, I realize that I love each and every person in a different way at a different time. I realize that each person that I love holds a significant place in my life, and I can say that I love each person differently...because there are as many forms of love as there are moments in time, and with each passing moment, I love you in a different way.

Goodbye, Goodnight

I just got home from a goodbye/going away party.

I know, I know, I should be "used to" friends moving away, with college and everything, but I can honestly say that this person moving away is really getting to me.

I'm actually losing two really important people in the next few weeks. Joel, a tutor at Family Matters, is moving to the east coast on Monday. And, my coworker/boss/friend Jenn is moving to West Virginia mid-August. I'm sure I'll blog again closer to when Jenn leaves...so tonight I'm going to focus on Joel.

Joel is the tutor I have always wanted. Haha, that sounds strange, I know, but I don't think I could sincerely ask for a better tutor than Joel.

I remember the first time I ever met Joel--he seemed different: nervous, intimidated, but eager to help at the same time. I met him quickly, and threw him into a room with his student. Joel had a particularly hard role to fill-he was taking the place of a tutor who had to leave suddenly. Joel was definitely up to the task, though I had my doubts at first. He checked in with me several times without his tutoring session--I was as encouraging as possible. After a few sessions, he and his student started to bond a bit more (I mean, as much as a 30something year old male tutor can bond with a 12-13 year old teen boy).

Both Joel and his student appear quiet to the outsider. They seem shy, maybe, or just...different. Looking back, I don't think we've paired a pair (haha English, I hate you!) better than Joel and his student. They were both procrastinators that realized the value in doing hard work to get yourself somewhere in life. Joel could follow a lesson plan to a tee, but he also knew how improvise when needed. Joel was also usually the first tutor to submit comments and recommendations to me for the following week's planning. Joel stayed on task, and on schedule. He let me know weeks ahead of time if he had to miss a tutoring session, and would reschedule on another night (convenient for both him and his student). Joel grew a lot as a tutor, and a person, during his time at Family Matters. When he saw how tight-knit a community we had the opportunity to be, he went out of his way to re-organize "Morseland nights" to try to build relationships between tutors. I can truly say that some of the best nights I've had have been spent with the Family Matters crew: Me, Joel, Jenn, Gretchen, Brad, (and later) Christian and Bridget.

Being at Family Matters, and with this crew especially, makes me feel at home. Even this summer, we had a great time playing frisbee (despite the fact that the first time we played, my hand turned black and blue and swelled up like a mofo! Excuse my French...), going out for food (and drinks), and tonight, at Joel's going away party. Tonight, I hadn't seen Gretchen, Christian, Bridget, and Joel in a long time, but we caught up quickly and enjoyed hours of conversation (and food and drinks...see the pattern here...hah). Gretchen and Bridget both gave me a big hug (Lana! How are you! We've missed you!) and Christian and Joel gave me the one armed "hey what's up" squeeze. It was so good to see them... I've spent most of my summer working, or waiting for people to get back to me on hanging out... and I guess I forgot how much I missed spending time to them, and how much it means to me to have such a cool group of people around. They even asked about the guy I was dating the last time we saw each other...which was a really nice touch, one that I appreciated greatly. It's one thing to ask about me--they know me--but to remember to ask about someone they've only met a time or two--well, it shows how much they truly care.

Wow, amazing how I went from singing Joel's praises to singing the crew's praises. I think that's mostly because I see us as a unit--a piece of which is moving away bright and early Monday morning.

I'm still sad--I don't know if I'll ever see Joel again. Isn't that crazy? We don't think about this too often, but "each time" you see someone could be your last. I didn't think that the last time I saw my poppy (Father's Day) would be the last...and alas, it was. I don't know which is better--not knowing, like with Poppy, or knowing--like with Joel. I can't guarantee I'll ever see him again, and I can't guarantee I won't, either. I do know that I'll always hold him in high esteem; a person like Joel is not easily forgotten.

The song that comes to mind most when I think about people leaving (especially people that have significantly impacted my life) is this one: here, "For Good" from Wicked.

"It well may be that we may never meet again, in this lifetime, so let me say before we part. So much of me is made from what I've learned from you. You'll be with me, like a handprint on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have rewritten mine, by being my friend."

Goodnight, and goodbye, Joel. You've been a true friend, an amazing tutor, and an excellent role model. May you encounter only the best on the east coast.

failure.

For those of you who know me, and know me well, you'll know that I hate failure with a passion. I use the word "hate" sparingly, and I can honestly say that failure is one of the things that truly boils my blood. Due to this fact, I avoid failure at all costs, sometimes pushing myself beyond reasonable means to achieve success. Some call it crazy; I call it driven. At any rate, knowing and recalling that piece of information about me will help you understand this post all the better.

Saturday morning rolled around all too early, and I awoke to the 'ding' of my phone going off. I had received a text message. "Woo!" I thought to myself, "maybe someone's asking if I'm free today! If so, the answer is yes!" I half begrudgingly, half excitedly rolled over to grab my phone off the nightstand. I opened up the text message and read: "Laptop has hardware error! Crap!" The message was from my mother. At this point, I was a little peeved. She hadn't texted me in days, much less called to check in on me. And then, she wakes me up on Saturday morning, before my alarm, with a problem? Ugh. Trying to lighten the mood, I sent her a message back saying "What you talkin' 'bout, Willis?"

Not minutes later, I had a response back that read: "Call me on house phone!" Yes, ma'am? I'm sorry, I don't take orders pre-wake up on Saturdays! I slowly returned her message, asking for a minute to wake up before I called. I quickly got up, used the bathroom, and grabbed a glass of water. I headed back to my room, where the temperature is much more bearable, and dialed the age-old number. The phone rang once; on the second ring, my mother answered it. "Hellowehaveaproblem" was how I was greeted. I had her talk me through it, and assumed she was getting the "black screen of death" (similar to the blue screen of death).

She described the problem as "a white screen turning into black, with a blob that grows." Now, I'm not sure how you, reader, describe computer problems, but in case you were curious: this is not an effective way to describe a problem. Again, this pointed to black screen of death. I have in my possession a Windows Vista install CD, as well as Microsoft Office 2007. It's not the newest software, but it is what my mom's computer has installed currently.

I looked at my options.

This upcoming week is my mom's last week of school. She needs her computer to finish up her class work; as a college student, I understand this better than anyone. I could a) be a bitch, and say "wow, how unfortunate! That really sucks, and good luck getting your work done. Or, I could pick option b) I could quickly dress, head out to the suburbs (via train), and wipe the computer clean--reinstalling all of the programs and such. I offered her the latter, and she agreed. I could tell she was desperate.

At the time, the following phrase flashed through my mind: Do unto others as you would have them do unto you. I've never really liked this phrase, and so in my life, I've often substituted it with "Do unto others as you see fit; let everything you do reflect the most you can do." Ok, so it doesn't sound quite as good as the original, but it reflects my views on how I treat others a lot better than the original phrase does.

I boarded the Metra just over an hour later, and by early afternoon I was eating lunch in a south suburb. After lunch, I decided to take a look at the computer. This is what I saw:

Uh oh. Not quite what I had expected. If you remember the description from earlier, the one I had criticized so harshly...well, it fit the bill, that's for sure! Clearly, this was not the typical "Uh oh, Windows broke..." error. I did a double, triple, and then quadruple take. Then, I began what every good computer technician does when he or she is in above his or her head...I started to google.

I found out that nVidia made the video chip residing in the laptop. I also read up on the million dollar suits against nVidia for manufacturing faulty chips! Uh oh, I thought, I might be in over my head. I decided that my next step would be to clean out the fan. Maybe the computer was just overheating, and that's what was causing the faulty monitor. I popped open the back of the computer, and found a load of dust, dirt and lint! Ew! I got out the vacuum (haha!) and my dad helped me vacuum out the computer. This is some of what we pulled out:

I put everything back together, plugged everything in and...voila! Not a thing happened. I sighed deeply. I consulted with a computer-science friend, and he said that my problem was one of two things:

1. The video chip malfunctioned.

2. The monitor malfunctioned.

To test this, I took an external monitor, from the old desktop, and plugged it into the computer. I expected it to do one of two things. Either it would show me Windows starting up (indicating just the monitor on the laptop was bad), or it would show me the same white/black screen (indicating the video chip was bad). Unfortunately, neither of those things happened. Ugh! What the hell was going on? I wondered. The external monitor didn't even seem to pick up a signal from the laptop.

I talked to yet another computer-science friend (how lucky I am to have smart friends!) and he said it was likely the video chip, and nothing could be done.

However, the first friend recommended a process called "tealighting." I thought this sounded sketchy, and it is! Basically, what you do is find the video card/chip in your computer, and then light a tealight candle (the kind that sits in a small metal cup). Then, you put the candle on top of the video card, and let it burn all the way through, until all the wax is melted. This is supposed to reflow the chip and has worked for some people to get the video card to work.

Well, last ditch effort, here it is! I performed a google search (several, actually) to find tear downs of my mom's laptop, and located the video-board. Getting to this item required a complete tear down of the computer...much past what most tutorials recommended. However, I accepted the challenge. Here are a few of the steps I remembered to photograph:

Finally, I found that for which I was looking! Here it is!

Finally! It had taken me nearly two (if not more) hours to tear down the computer, and I was very relieved to finally have the correct piece exposed so I could begin the tealighting process. I found a candle (thank goodness my mother has a ton of them!) and set it up. I told my mom and brother that I felt like I was in church, lighting a candle for the computer, and I should probably say a prayer. I made the sign of the cross backwards, and with my left hand (a sign if irreverence if ever there were one) and everyone laughed. We lit the candle, and then waited. Here's what we were looking at!

I sent the above picture to my friend, who had recommended the tealighting process, and all of a sudden got a frantic instant message back that said "Uhmmm Lana, I think you have it in the wrong place!"

Oh. Shit.

You see, I had completely flubbed up. I successfully located the S-Video board. This is NOT the same thing as the video chip/card, which runs the graphics on your computer. The S-Video board is for the connector cable that can run from your TV to your computer. You know, the one that we've never used? Yep, that one. I tore down an entire computer only to find the wrong thing.

Begrudgingly, I blew out the candle, and asked where exactly the correct video chip would be. I found it here:

Of the three "squares" that you can see in that image, the video card is the one all the way to the right. It was actually right under the fan, this thing:

I had removed this hours before, and it's very easy to access. This was the video card the candle must affect.

How could I be so stupid? I spent hours tearing apart an entire computer, only to find out that the part I was looking for was near the top all along! I have never felt so stupid. I mean, I recognized the fact that I have never taken any formal computer classes, and quite a few people would have probably said "fuck it" and not even attempted to fix it; however, I'm not one of those people. Great, I thought, now even if the tealighting does work, I likely won't be able to get it back together!

I sat in fury while I watched the candle burn. The candle almost represented how I felt. I had started out a strong, solid candle, and working on this computer consumed me (as the fire was consuming the wick and wax of the candle) and I was burning down to the bottom. My solid confidence had melted and liquified, and was in great danger of spilling out at the slightest provocation. I was furious with myself; I had only myself to blame for the error, and took full responsibility for it.

At last, the candle burned out, and I removed it from the video chip. I began the reassembly of the rest of the computer, reconnecting wires and the like, until I had everything placed in nearly the same fashion in which it started. I crossed my fingers the entire time (figuratively, of course--crossing them literally would have made my already impossible job even more impossible!) and hoped for the best.

I had to wait until later on Sunday to put the rest back together, because I needed to go buy thermal paste to go between the video chip (and cpu and the other "square") and the heatsink. I act like I actually know what I'm talking about--I don't. I do know that silver conducts heat, and we wanted to put silver in between those two things so that the heat could successfully be vented out of the computer. Beyond that, I'm clueless.

I think the worst part about this not working is that my mom, and the rest of my family, put their faith in me; I proceeded to let them down. The part that's "even worse" is that I put my faith in myself...and I still failed.

After we went to Radioshack (woo!), I came home, applied the silver paste, and finished up the final touches on getting the computer back together. Surprisingly (sort of), it looked like ... a computer! Ta-daa! I had it all put back together. I turned it on (and breathed a deep sigh of relief that all of the LED lights aligned...) and waited with bated breath.

The "engine" whirred, and the fans came on. The "doot doot doot" sounded aaaaand...the screen turned white.

Then, slowly, the screen faded to black.

I had successfully restored the computer back to the condition in which I found it.

Sigh. Deep sigh. Bite tongue. Don't cry. Blink blink blink. Clench teeth. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale. Lick lips. Go back to clenching teeth cause here come the tears. Blink blink. Don't look at them or you'll burst into tears. Try ctrl+alt+del and see if it changes anything. It doesn't. You knew it wouldn't. Lick the roof of your mouth. Swallow. They're waiting for you. You have to tell them everything. What do you say? You're the one looking at the screen stupid. They're figuring it out.

"What's going on, Lana? Does it work? It's okay if it doesn't, you tried your best..."

Yeah. My best. But what happens when your best isn't good enough? I tried and I failed. And, because I couldn't fix the computer, now my family is basically computer-less, and they watched me try and fail. My family is not used to seeing me fail--they're used to success, and being able to celebrate me. And, in cases like this, they're used to benefiting from my success.

But that didn't happen.

I looked up to my mom with the most deeply apologetic eyes I could muster. "I'm sorry, Mom. I couldn't...it just didn't... It's not fixed."

"It's ok, Lana. You tried, I saw you try. You didn't give up, when a lot of others would have. And, you saved me a lot of money by looking at this at home rather than having me take it into a shop. I appreciate all of your time and hard work."

Breathe.

I saw Harry Potter 7.2 on Sunday with my brother. One of the lines that I wanted to share here, I can't remember, but another one I can. Dumbledore said this to Harry during Harry's dream sequence/trippy moment. He said something to the effect of "It is our choices, not our abilities, that define us."

Wow. Stop. Take a step back. I finally got what my mom said (and always has said) about "trying your best." It's poorly worded, as it is: trying your best. But, I finally understood that making the choice to try is what defines you, not the ability to succeed in whatever you decide to do.

Talk about being hit with a ton of bricks.

All my life I've depended on success in carrying out my decisions. I pride myself on being decisive, knowing what I want, and knowing how to succeed. I do my best for both others and myself. And just then, for a quick moment, with this computer in front of me and my family encircling me, I realized that making the choice to help meant far more to them than any functional computer I could have given them.

This is what I learned this weekend. I hope I can keep this thought alive in the back of my mind in the future. :) I guess sometimes it is true, what "they" say: you learn the most from your failure.

Peace, until next time.