Thursday, June 16, 2011

Breathe, just breathe.

Sitting here, it's almost 4 AM, and I'm not tired. I want to do what I want to do, and I don't know of anyone awake to ask "is this a good idea?" So, for the first time in a while, concerning this part of my life at least, I take the stand.

2 AM and she calls me 'cause I'm still awake,
"Can you help me unravel my latest mistake?,
I don't love him. Winter just wasn't my season"
Yeah we walk through the doors, so accusing their eyes
Like they have any right at all to criticize,
Hypocrites. You're all here for the very same reason

'Cause you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button, girl.
So cradle your head in your hands
And breathe... just breathe,
Oh breathe, just breathe

Except, I'm not making any calls. And, it's he who doesn't love me, not the other way around. Otherwise, pretty much.

And what I like most about this song is (well, I like the whole thing, as a story) the part that says "Life's like an hourglass, glued to the table."

Ain't that the truth? I think the most important thing about the image is that it's glued to the table--there's no flipping it back over for more time, or turning it on its side to stop the sand from flowing from the top into the bottom half. It's going to go on, no matter how hard you tug on it to pull it up, to dissolve the the end, it's fruitless, and you're better off forgetting about the damn thing, and going and living your life.

"Help me to accept the things I cannot change," like people's feelings, emotions, and desires. And, ultimately, help me accept the actions of others, even when I disagree or don't comprehend the logic behind the decision. It's there. Help me to accept that, and help me to be at peace with it.

"Help me to change the things I can," like my responses to other people, both physically, verbally, emotionally, and otherwise. Help me keep myself in check, and help me to constantly be able to scrutinize my life from a somewhat objective perspective; without this third party perspective, I will not be able to understand my own motives, or the motives of others.

"And help make me wise enough to know the difference," which is debatabley* the hardest, and therefore most important part of this whole process. I've spent a lot of my time lately thinking about why I can't change the things I can't change, and even for a while not being able to recognize them as unchangeable, for me at least. For example, I cannot just step up, snap my fingers, and change how someone feels about me. Although most desirable for the short term, this likely would have caused problems in the long run. However, I suffered a lot of unnecessary grief due to my inability to recognize this fact.

Help me accept the things I cannot change.
Help me to change the things I can.
Help me to be wise enough to know the difference.

Though I'm not religious, so I'm not reciting this to a higher power, I do ask this of my friends, my family--those there to support me, no matter what the cause. I also write it like this to remind myself that belief that I can do one thing (or conversely, cannot) can change me to such a great degree. So, lastly, I'm reminding myself that I need to accept, change, and be wise, ultimately. Easier said than done, that's for sure.

But, not entirely something to give up on. There are always new prospects, and every day comes with a new dawn.

2 AM and I'm still awake, writing a song
If I get it all down on paper, it's no longer inside of me,
Threatening the life it belongs to
And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd
Cause these words are my diary, screaming out loud
And I know that you'll use them, however you want to

But you can't jump the track, we're like cars on a cable,
And life's like an hourglass, glued to the table
No one can find the rewind button now
Sing it if you understand.
and breathe, just breathe
--"2AM Breathe" by Anna Nalick

*(there is no real spelling for that word, right?)

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