Sunday, June 5, 2011

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood,

Miss No-way-it's-all-good, it didn't slow me down.

Dear Pink, I disagree. I think it does get you down. Being the happy camper, all of the time, always offering support to everyone around you while receiving little, if any, does most certainly get you down. 

I've always been the strong one. For me, it's always been "be there, be strong, or don't be at all." I had a lot of shit to deal with at a young age, and I can honestly say I'm 100% grateful for it...sometimes. Being the strong one isn't always easy, though. It takes a great deal of put up and shut up, put on a happy face, and biting the bullet at the right time.

When I was a freshman in high school, my biology teacher made the comment to my mom that I knew what I wanted and I knew how to get it. For the most part, that has been true. I usually do get what I want. But I think she had it wrong. It's not that I'm a manipulative bitch that knows how to play people. It's that I work my ass off for everything, and I don't give up easily at all. That's right, I'm admittedly one of the most stubborn people I know, and I'm proud of it.

Which is probably what makes not getting my way ten zillion times harder than it is for most people.

I like to think of myself as strong, courageous, and the one who supports others. And, for the most part, I am. That's what makes me such a good teacher. However, in some situations, it probes to be detrimental. Because I am strong, supportive, accommodating, and so on, I sometimes forget that oh, yeah, I should be me. I put myself first only when absolutely necessary. A good quality, right? Wrong. It's a good quality for those around me, sure. I work my ass off--my bosses love me. I do all my homework, on time, and well--my teachers love me. I support my family, emotionally and at times, financially--they love me too. But what about me? Do I love me?

That's a question I'm thinking about a lot right now--do I love me? Well, let's see. Do I respect me? Sure, anyone would be dumb not to. Do I like me? Sure, I am a hard worker, and have a good sense of humor--most people including me like people like that. But do I love me?

Today, yesterday, or maybe tomorrow, I have had to, or will have to, admit defeat in something that I want nearly more than anything right now. I might have already caved in, or I might be about to cave in, I'm not entirely sure yet. I haven't caved yet, which is obviously what the other person wants me to do, and it's making me feel...well. How is it making me feel? Good? Sometimes. Bad? Sometimes. Silly? A little. Stubborn as hell? Yeah. Is it making me love me any more?

"You cannot love another until you love yourself." False. I think we can love others in spite of ourselves. And, in my case, I think we can love others instead of ourselves. Maybe my heart just isn't big enough to love everyone else and me. Because the more I hear "I don't love you" the more I love others, and the less I love myself. Cause after all, if I'm that unloveable that others can't love me, how the hell am I supposed to love me? It's a vicious circle, really, if you think about it. How the hell am I supposed to process that thought? Love yourself, then love others. But while others can't love you, neither can you.

This thought has made me greatly question my motives. Why do I do what I do? (that's a lot of do's, I know, and I apologize if it's confusing).

The following conversation occurred on Facebook this morning.

My status: "I don't want to admit defeat."
My teacher from soph year of high school: "Entonces, no lo hagas" (Then, don't do it.)
Me: "Es posible que sea inevitable." (It's possible that it's inevitable.)
Teacher: "Buena suerte a ti, entonces." (Good luck to you, then.)
Me: "Muchas gracias" (Much thanks).

Teacher: "Y recuerdas, siempre te amo." (And remember, I always love you.)

Not going to lie, at that point I broke down completely. Someone I haven't seen in almost 3 years, solely talk to via facebook (and occasionally email), is offering up their support of my situation after having not even known what I'm going through. Talk about unconditional. One may say that sounds stupid, no way did he know that I needed the support at this point (which I definitely do/did). However, I see that conversely, positively if you will. Someone knows me well enough to trust the fact that if I don't want to do something, it's probably not going to benefit my life in any way. Entonces, he didn't pry, he didn't ask for additional information... he just offered himself, and his heart, to me completely.

Damn, what the world might be like if more people did that a little more often...

Well, that's probably the most I feel comfortable explaining, at least on line for the world to see. Thanks for reading. :)

And, if you'd like to see the rest of the song mentioned above, here it is. All credits to Pink and whoever the hell holds the copyright laws. :P

Made a wrong turn once or twice
Dug my way out, blood and fire
Bad decisions, that's alright
Welcome to my silly life

Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood
Miss 'No way, it's all good'
It didn't slow me down.
Mistaken, always second guessing
Underestimated, look I'm still around

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

You're so mean when you talk
About yourself. You were wrong.
Change the voices in your head
Make them like you instead.

So complicated,
Look happy, You'll make it!
Filled with so much hatred
Such a tired game
It's enough, I've done all I could think of
Chased down all my demons
I've seen you do the same
(ohh ohhhhhhh)

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

The whole world's scared, so I swallow the fear
The only thing I should be drinking is an ice cold beer
So cool in line and we try try try but we try too hard
And it's a waste of my time.
Done looking for the critics, cause they're everywhere
They don't like my jeans, they don't get my hair
Exchange ourselves and we do it all the time
Why do we do that, why do I do that (why do I do that)?

Pretty, pretty, pretty

Pretty, pretty please, don't you ever, ever feel
Like you're less than fucking perfect
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing than you're fucking perfect to me
(you're perfect, you're perfect)
Pretty, pretty please, if you ever, ever feel
Like you're nothing, you're fucking perfect to me

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